You are now in Mr. Q's Brainwashing Chamber.

Read the following information that Mr. Q has described as the truth. Mr. Q instructs you to let it soak into your mind thoroughly. This will aid him in his GOALS.
You DO NOT WANT to impede Mr. Q's GOALS.

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The end of the world
will be signaled by
the deceased members
of all rock bands
which have platinum
-selling records and
a mix of deceased
and surviving members
returning from death,
wielding war flails
and forcing their
respective bands to
play big reunion
concerts in parks.
After the concerts,
they will all fight
to the death. The
winner will then cut
out and eat his own
heart. At that point,
every post office in
the world will
simultaneously burst
into flames. The fire
will spread to engulf
the whole world and
everyone will die.

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Remember! Always
remember this. If a
person should forget
their wallet or purse
and you should find
it, do NOT take their
money or bank cards!
This is INCORRECT!
And you shall be
punished with
BEATINGS! No! Rather,
open the wallet or
purse in question,
fill it with as much
phlegm as you can
cough up, making sure
to distribute it
amongst the bills and
other items, and then
return it to its
proper owner!
Furthermore, you MUST
NOT FLEE! Rather, you
should wait and see
if they should walk
away. If they walk
away, your work is
done. If they look
inside and become
enraged, slap them
and THEN flee.
This is the CORRECT
manner of behavior
in these situations.

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*
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When I rule the
world (soon, soon!),
I will end the
practice of spelling
and pronouncing the
word "flood" as it
currently is spelled
and pronounced. I
will force the
people to spell it
"flude" and
pronounce it to rhyme
with "mood". In
addition, "look" will
be pronounced as
"luck" currently is,
and "luck" will be
pronounced as "Luke".
"Book" will be
pronounced as "buck"
currently is, and
"buck" will be
pronounced as
"indignation".

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*
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When I control the
world, every
elementary school's
students must
perform a Christmas
concert the week
before Christmas. It
will consist of
exactly one song,
which must be sung
regardless of any
student's creed. It
is an improved
version of the
classic Christmas
carol, "Ding Dong,
Merrily On High". The
lyrics are as
follows: "Ding dong,
merry little pigs/Oh,
Santa's mean and
nasty!/Ding dong,
very little wigs/Oh,
Santa's mean and
nasty!/Di'rrhea!/Oh,
Santa's mean and
nasty!//Yeen slow
feeble bungalow/Oh,
Santa's mean and
nasty!/And 'Bungle,
purport, alack!'/Oh,
Santa's mean and
nasty!/Gon'rrhea!/Oh,
Santa's mean and
nasty!//Pay me or
I'll break your legs
/Oh, Santa's mean and
nasty!/Yin yang,
merry little pigs/Oh,
Santa's mean and
nasty!/Men'rrhea!/Oh,
Santa's mean and
nasty!" Most of the
song will be sung
normally; however,
each successive
repetition of "Oh,
Santa's mean and
nasty!" must become
louder and louder,
until at the end of
the song all the
students must scream
until their throats
bleed. The exceptions
to this rule, of
course, are students
who are mute, and
homeschool students
who are not part of
elementary schools.
These students will
instead be showered
with gifts of
gumdrops and citrus
fruit. Then they may
be beaten mercilessly
by their parents or
guardians at the sole
discretion of a
randomly chosen
felon.
Go now in obedience, to fear and serve the Great Overlord Mr. Q.
©2005-2012 Vincent D. Camley. All rights reserved.